Are you living your life out of purpose or out of need? If you are living out of purpose, then all your decisions will reflect this on the way toward your destination. If you hear a calling from God, you will be moving forward in that direction. You will be going somewhere.

But if you are living life out of need, all your decisions will be made based on how you feel. When things are going your way you will feel good; and when things are not going your way, you will feel bad.

You may not be going forward because you find yourself camping out at the place where you “feel good.” Or the opposite may be true for you if you are living life out of need; then everyday may be like riding a rollercoaster. Some days you are way up and some days you are way down. A roller coaster goes up and then quickly drops way down. Also, a roller coaster does not go anywhere, it just has a predetermined track that it runs on.

People who live life out of need also have a predetermined track they run on. They do the same thing over and over and expect different results. Some people love roller coasters because of the feeling they get - the adrenaline rush they feel when it is creeping up the track, and then all of a sudden, the drop. This can also become a way of life if you live life out of need. Getting attention can give you that adrenaline rush; but if you are getting attention from the wrong person, you will feel dropped when the attention is gone. People who live life out of need will stay on the same track trying to get that need met the same way only to find that they end up in the same place every time. They’re not going anywhere.

People of purpose experience fulfillment knowing they are pressing on towards the mark or the goal that has been set. The journey to reach that goal will be hard, and there will be ups and downs, but at least they know they are going somewhere. A person with purpose does not pay as much attention to the ups and downs as they do to the destination. They are not dependent on the need to feel good. This is why a person who is living out of need is always distracted by the ups and downs, and how good it feels when they are up and how bad it feels when they are down. The goal of this article is to help you come to the point that you begin to do what you do out of purpose instead of out of need. So you can make the journey and fulfill your purpose instead of just going around and around and up and down on a rollercoaster ride. The first step is to determine if you are living life out of purpose or out of need.

Living life out of need
Everyone needs to feel accepted and approved and to have someone’s attention or appreciation for what they have done. You feel good when you know you are accepted and you meet someone’s approval. These needs are valid and legitimate. But if you become consumed with having your needs met, you will get off track. These emotional needs have such a strong invisible pull that they can dictate and direct many of our decisions in life. These needs can actually get you off track as you move towards the goal of fulfilling your purpose. It is easy to get off track because unmet emotional needs create a deep void inside that demands to be filled. If these needs are not met, they have such a strong pull that many people will do things they never thought they would do just to get their needs met. Before you realize it you find yourself consumed with getting your needs met, and now you are living life out of need instead of purpose.

A successful businessman might cheat on his wife and risk losing everything out of a need for attention. His secretary meets this need by listening to everything he says, and he loves how good he feels when the need is met. A pastor of a large church might leave a very successful ministry all because he doesn’t feel appreciated for all his hard work. His need for appreciation is so strong it pulls him to do something he never would have dreamed of doing.

A Christian who is motivated by need is in bondage; all their thoughts and decisions are dictated by their need, and therefore they serve the need instead of the Lord.

Example:
A person who needs to be shown appreciation may spend their life serving others instead of doing the thing that God has called them to do. They will not be happy or satisfied living life trying to get this need met. If you are doing what you do in order to get a need met through your own efforts, it will not work. Our own self efforts will always hinder God’s provision. If you orchestrate it, then you defile it. If you do what you do in order to gain appreciation, then you are living life out of need instead of purpose.

A person who has a need for acceptance may spend half their life going from place to place trying to find where they fit in, trying to find a place where they are accepted or even celebrated. Their goal in life is to find someone who accepts them, therefore they are living life out of need instead of purpose.

A person who has a need for approval will spend countless hours trying to impress others doing whatever it takes to gain their approval. Even if it means working long hours or moving across the country, the need for approval is so great they will do almost anything. Their goal is to get to a point of accomplishment so they will receive approval from those they respect. The problem is they become dependent on the people that give them that much needed approval. A dependency on others for approval will cause you to turn from living life out of purpose to living life out of need.

The need for attention may cause a person to do whatever it takes to be the center of attention. This need usually shows up when there is a crowd and the person does something to steal the show. Even if it is just for a moment, the need has been met. They will not be satisfied for long because they are living life out of need instead of purpose. They can’t move forward because they are stuck on the same track doing the same thing always trying to get that much needed attention.

Are you living your life out of need? Here are a few more symptoms or characteristics of a needy person.

A needy person cannot see

The needy person may fall into the same trap over and over if they continue to try to get their need met in the wrong way. They cannot see what the problem is so they will fall into the same hole or the same trap every time. They cannot see it, but the motive behind many of their decisions is based on getting their needs met.

A needy person does not listen
If whatever someone suggests does not meet their need, they will shut it down and have no desire to even listen to what the person has to say.

A needy person hinders
A needy person hinders or blocks anything that does not accomplish their primary focus, and that focus is getting their needs met.

A needy person may demand all the attention.
A needy person has to be the one who has the best idea.
A needy person has to be the one in charge.
A needy person may always be giving, but always feel unappreciated.

If you realize you have been living a needy life and you want to be free so you can live life out of purpose, take these four steps.

Step 1
Realize what your unmet needs are.

Step 2
Acknowledge the needs that you struggle with, and what you are doing in an attempt to meet your own needs.

Step 3
Desire healing. If you have unmet needs, then you need healing.
For more information on Healing the pain of unmet needs go to www.livingwatersministry.com.

Denise Boggs is an author, teacher, and director of Living Waters Ministry.
She writes a daily devotional call The Path Called Righteousness. http://www.livingwatersministry.com/devotionalsubscribe.htm

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Hurricanes can be a time of adversity, destruction and devastation, however they can also be a time of building relationships and meeting new friends. There is something about the human character and the innate characteristics of the human species which bonds people together who have lived through adversity.

Many times soldiers in war develop very close bonds after going through a battle in a very real life or death situation with the enemy. Many athletes say that when they go through a championship playoff game together they feel a sense of bonding and that bonding lasts in long-term friendships and relationships for years to come.

Hurricanes are a negative thing, but that does not mean that they have to be. The 2005 Atlantic tropical hurricane season, brought devastation to the Gulf Coast of the United States, but it also bonded all Americans in a common cause.

If you fail to evacuate or even if you go through the mandatory evacuation that is required by the rules and regulations of your state you may find yourself closer to your loved ones and friends who also had to endure the situation of the hurricane.

During the 2006 Atlantic tropical hurricane season perhaps you should be thinking about the relationships and long-term friendships that you will build due to mother nature. Think of this in 2006.

Lance Winslow

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All relationships go through trying times; it’s how a couple handles those times that makes the difference between staying together and splitting up. A lot of people resort to couples’ counseling in a bid to save a fragile relationship.

The procedure is simple. A couple attends a therapy session to discuss specific issues, with the assistance of a qualified clinician, in a bid to restore stability and a communication channel into their relationship. This could be beneficial for a couple who is experiencing repetitive arguments, detachment, pent-up anger, bitterness, and dissatisfaction.

Ideally, a couple should undertake counseling together. If, however, one partner refuses to undertake therapy, the other could undertake it alone, to sort out issues independently. There may be changes one partner can make alone that would have a positive impact on the marriage. In fact, some people prefer to undertake counseling on their own to work out their feelings before seeing the counselor as a couple.

There are several benefits of couples’ counseling. It gives each partner a chance to air his or her feelings. It is also an opportunity to look at the problem from a different perspective. In order to achieve optimum results, each partner must share their discoveries and encourage the other to do likewise. Only then can the counselor suggest a path of action. For many couples, the solution is obvious - it just takes someone objective to pinpoint it.

However, it is a misconception that couples’ counseling saves a marriage. Only two people who want it to work and are compatible can save a marriage. With the aid of a therapist, they can adopt constructive communication habits, let go of pain, and get to the root of their problems. At the end of therapy, some couples prefer to go their separate ways. Thus, it is recommended to see a therapist as a way of making a difficult decision (to stay together or part ways).

Couples provides detailed information on Couples, Celebrity Couples, Interracial Couples, Couples Counseling and more. Couples is affiliated with Relationship Advice.

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1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become “unpredictable.” No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She’s not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly. Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I needx, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

7. State who YOU are - loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don’t you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You’re concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And thenbegin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your “quiet center,” remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

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Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now. At first it was magic and Dan was so romantic and attentive. Now he is constantly criticizing her or even worse ignoring her completely. When he’s not out with his friends he lays around the house watching T.V. expecting her to wait on him. Just when she thinks that she can’t stand it any more, he becomes the old loving, romantic Dan once more; however, this never lasts longer than a few days and then he resumes his old behaviors. Kathleen knows that it’s time to for a life change but simply can not bring herself to take action.

1. What you see is what you get.

We see or perceive the world based on what we choose to pay attention to and how we choose to interpret it.

Tags: behavior, beliefs, choices, perception, relationshipbehavior, beliefs, choices, perception, relationship

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