In my article “Ten Steps To The Ideal Relationship” I identify Step 1 as: Do your own personal work.

It is necessary for each individual to become aware of and release the negative unconsciously stored self sabotaging relationship patterns they acquired during their early life. Unfortunately most individuals never do this and only find out about them after a failed relationship or an acrimonious divorce.

So what type of personal work is going to be effective in staving off relationship disaster?

Of course there is the psychotherapy route although this is something that in my 25 years of experience as a psychiatrist I must sadly say is ineffective at the best of times.

It is for that reason that I gave it all up in 2002 after a major realization that changed my life and those of my clients.

That realization is something that few of you will find easy to accept because it will challenge the very basis of what you have believed most of your so called life. Here it comes.

What you call your life history, which makes up your personality and which you identify yourself with is actually not who you really are.

Rather it is like a huge and elaborate computer program that is embedded in your unconscious mind and that places severe limitations on what you think you are capable of being and doing. That of course includes any potential success in the relationship field of life.

Most of the subroutines in your unique computer program represent what some psychotherapists refer to as “ego states” or “sub personalities”. These are emotional states that the lay public and pop psychology call “the inner child”, “the inner judge”, “the inner task master’ and so on.

These subroutines, if you look at them carefully are associated with certain well defined ways of being. When they become activated they essentially take on a life of their own and leave you feeling like an unwilling passenger in your own body.

In other words it feels like your mind and body have been hijacked by them.

Now modern psychotherapy attempts to deal with this by getting you to acknowledge, accept and negotiate terms with such inner programs in the hope that you will regain some right to your own life. Unfortunately this is like trying to negotiate with hostage takers who have their own agenda and who have you tied and gagged.

The only way to regain control of your mind, body and life is to completely purge these destructive programs from within.

Psychotherapy cannot do this for you. In fact the only modality that I know of on this planet that is capable of accomplishing this task is what I have called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP).

MRP was developed about ten years ago to help traumatized individuals who were suffering from multiple personality disorders, a more severe case of what I am talking about here.

The link however is that what you are experiencing as these subroutines (or sub personalities) is also the result of emotional trauma experienced as a child. These traumas set up limiting and recurring perceptual and behavioral patterns of how you now deal with others.

Many of these are not only inappropriate in the present they are self sabotaging when they engaged.

So getting back to my point. Doing your personal work in my view means releasing these subroutines, sub personalities and/or ego states once and for all so that you can reclaim the right to your life.

This allows you to be fully present, consciously aware of and in charge of yourself and your choices at all times. It also allows you to reconnect with the genuine and integrated human being that you were meant to be.

If you would like to begin experiencing what this all entails kindly visit the web link below.

Dr. Nick Arrizza is trained in Chemical Engineering, Business Management & Leadership, Medicine and Psychiatry. He is an Energy Psychiatrist, Healer, Key Note Speaker,Editor of a New Ezine Called “Spirituality And Science” (which is requesting high quality article submissions) Author of “Esteem for the Self: A Manual for Personal Transformation” (available in ebook format on his web site), Stress Management Coach, Peak Performance Coach & Energy Medicine Researcher, Specializes in Life and Executive Performance Coaching, is the Developer of a powerful new tool called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) that helps build physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being by helping to permanently release negative beliefs, emotions, perceptions and memories. He holds live workshops, international telephone coaching sessions and international teleconference workshops on Physical. Emotional, Mental and Spiritual Well Being.

Web Site; http://www.telecoaching4u.com/IntroConsult.htm

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The internet has brought a great deal of wonderful things to our lives, and in our personal lives much has changed as well. In our personal lives, the computer has allowed us to catch up with old friends from school, reconnect with former coworkers, and even to rekindle romances with old flames. One of the first ways the internet was used was to place personal ads and allow people with common interests to meet each other, and dating and personal sites continue to be incredibly popular with many internet users from around the world.

One reason that internet person ads are so popular and so effective is that they are able to sort out those who would not be good matches. Think about it this way - when you meet someone in a bar or a club, you know nothing about that person. You do not know what they do for a living, how old they are, whether or not they have ever been married, if they have kids, etc. It takes time to learn all this, and in the end the promising match you just made may turn out to be wholly inappropriate.

When you look online for personal romance, on the other hand, you can be specific about what you are looking for. If you do not want to meet those who smoke, you can sort them out with a simple filter. If you would rather not meet a person with kids at home you can eliminate that as well. You can be as specific as you want when placing or reading a personal ad, and the idea is that the personal ad will give you some information to go on before you actually meet the person.

And we all know that personal ads online do work for many people. Many of those who have used personal ads have meet their soul mates, and many marriages have taken place as a result. In addition, many lasting friendships have been developed as a result of personal ads, and the internet has allowed people from around the world to meet and talk as if they were in the same room. Whether you are looking for a long term relationship, a sports partner or just a friend, a well written and honest personal ad may just be the right choice for you. Personal ads are not the right choice for everyone, of course, but many people have found them more effective than they ever would have imagined.

For more information on personal ads go to http://www.personalsyou.com

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In the 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exist in all primary relationships. But some conflicts and differences are actual deal-breakers.

HAVING CHILDREN

Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with Mary and Cal. Mary and Cal met when Mary was 38 and Cal was 47. Cal had been married before and had two adult children, while Mary had never been married. Cal made it very clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Mary seemed to accept this, but secretly hoped to change Cal’s mind once they were married.

A year after they were married, Mary brought up the issue of having children. Cal was appalled. He felt angry, trapped and betrayed by Mary’s secret hope, as well as by her dishonesty. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cal’s love for her would soften his position. But he stayed committed to his decision not to have any more children.

This situation has a very sad ending. Mary was devastated. She loved Cal, but having children was actually extremely important to her. She didn’t want to leave him and she couldn’t let go of wanting a child. The stress of the situation eventually eroded her immune system and she died of ovarian cancer of few years after bringing up the baby issue.

I learned a lot from Mary and Cal’s experience. I learned that the baby issue is a deal-breaker. It is not healthy for someone who really wants a baby to give that up, and it is not healthy for someone who does not want a baby to go along with having one. This deep and basic issue needs to be dealt with head-on, early in a relationship, before people move ahead with commitment and marriage.

WORK

Rhonda and Fred fell in love in their late 30’s. Each had jobs that they loved and that were very important to them. Fred was the vice-president of a large company, while Rhonda had a flourishing practice as a pediatrician. They both lived in Los Angeles. All seemed fine until an incredible opportunity opened up for Fred - one that he had always dreamed of. The problem was that it meant moving to New York. Fred’s work became a deal-breaker.

Some people can commute and maintain a relationship, but this was not realistic for Rhonda and Fred, since they both wanted to have children. They realized that if either of them gave up the work they loved, they would feel very resentful. They had no choice but to end the relationship. Even though they loved each other, they recognized that their relationship would soon erode if one of them gave themselves up.

BETRAYAL

Dishonesty and infidelity can often be deal-breakers, depending upon the situation. Some people can learn from and grow through these difficult situations, while for others the wound is too deep to repair.

Mandy and Hal were in their 50’s when they met and fell in love. Both were in unhappy long-term marriages, which they decided to leave to be with each other.

However, Hal had married when he was very young. He had spent his life working hard to support his wife and children. He had never had an opportunity to do some of the things he really wanted to do - like travel on his own or explore relationships with other women. He loved Mandy but he felt trapped. He wanted his freedom.

As a result he started to pull away from Mandy, which was very painful for her. They received counseling to try to reconcile the situation. Mandy was willing for Hal to leave and travel for six months, but Hal was reluctant to leave Mandy. Mandy had not expected a man in his 50’s to need to sow wild oats.

Then Mandy found out that Hal had slept with another woman. His pulling away was bad enough, but his infidelity was a deal-breaker. Mandy ended their relationship the day she discovered the affair. She told Hal that she still loved him but could not continue this way. She left the door open by telling him that if he ever got his wanderlust out of his system, she would consider trying again.

Dishonesty about money can also be a deal-breaker, such as finding out that your mate is earning money by selling drugs or through some other illegal operation.

Most conflicts - conflicts that are really about communication and control issues - can be resolved when both people are willing to learn. But some conflicts are true deal-breakers.

About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at . Phone Sessions Available.

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Think of meeting your partner’s parents as an audition. Wow them with your good points, and hide your bad ones- at least for now.

Eye for an eye

This is more important for men than women, but equally impressionable. When enduring in the first handshake, pay close attention that you look them directly in their eyes. Looking elsewhere shows immaturity, lack of comfort and disinterest.

“So, what do you do?”

Remember, the inspecting parents want to know as much about you as they can find out during the first meeting session. To alleviate some of this pressure, and to take the heat off of you, turn the tables on them. Start asking questions about their jobs, other children and pets. Look around at family photos (if in their home) for inspiration and ideas. Compliment on their home or jewelry without going overboard. Even parents can detect fakeness.

Smile, you’re onthe spot

Sometimes, even if you spend all the night before preparing for the first meeting, you will still choke. Situations that can lead to this awful, uneasy feeling is uncomfortable silence within the group, running out of things to talk about, experiencing physical nervousness (like gas or sweating), or - and this is the worse- clumsily tripping or spilling your drink. In these instances, there is only one thing to do and that is to smile. Smiles are contagious and make people feel at ease. It’s a fool-proof plan.

Check out Thailand Shaadi Bliss.

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1.Date your partner

Do you still remember your 1st date with the person you really liked or fell in love with? Were you not excited about it? Sure you were! Do you want to know how exciting a relationship can help you enhance your marriage? Let us tell you that it is still very vivid in our minds the excitement we had in our first date. Perhaps we may not remember all the details but we can surely not forget how we felt. All attention was just towards each other and as the saying goes “the world seemed to have stopped.” And you wished the night would never end.

Well then, continue to date your partner reliving those moments to keep the freshness and closeness of your relationship. It’s knowing how exciting a relationship can inspire both of you. It’s a precious moment were you both can freely communicate leaving behind the daily work, chores and problems. It’s a time to relax and just enjoy each other’s presence after a busy week.

My wife and I go out a least once a week to our favorite coffee shops where we like to dream-build. We also know of a couple, friends of ours who said that Friday night is their night out together. They would normally have dinner and watch a movie after. They will not accept any appointments or invitations from anyone on Friday nights.

2. Take time to give your partner a call during the day

Once again, I remember the days I was courting my wife. The phone was just glued to my ears. It was difficult to say goodbye on the phone. Every chance I got, I would try to call her and her voice was music to my ears. Didn’t you experience this somehow? Sure you did! Now after being married for many years, in spite of my busy schedule in the office I still will get a chance to call my wife from the office just to greet her.

3. Send SMS messages

Majority of the people today have mobile phones. This is a great tool also for us to send greetings or sayings to our loved ones. We can be so caught up in the rat race that can take all of our time, with a mobile phone, there is no excuse to send a message or call our loved one using this great invention of communication for a lot of times we may not have the time to buy a card from the bookstore.

4. Always look good for your partner, don’t be sloppy

When I was courting my wife, I remember how I tried to look my best for her. I stayed long in fact in the mirror to make sure everything was in the right place like my hair; I saw to it that my clothes had the right color combination and if they were pressed well etc.

Have you watched movies and even read comics that portrayed reality of married people who after many years the wife dress sloppily at home with curlers on her hair in a loose house-dress? The husband doesn’t shave daily and wears his favorite torn t-shirt? This definitely removes the romance between them that cannot bring the excitement of seeing each other. We have heard a lot of couples complain about this and also complain that their partners too don’t care to keep their figures in shape anymore. They make the excuse that the other should accept him or her, as they promised in their marriage, for better or worse. This can be a reason for a start to a failure in marriage.

Don’t do this to one another. Always look your best to make your partner happy and only have eyes for you.

5. Jot down important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries etc.

This may seem insignificant for many, but mind you, this is a big thing especially for wives. Women in general are very sentimental and as they say, it’s the thought that counts. I remember my sister in law’s experience in their 1st year of marriage. Her husband one day asked her the date of her birthday because he had to write it for a document. This made her furious because she couldn’t believe he didn’t remember. It wasn’t a big deal for my brother in law but that created their 1st big fight because for the wife it was inconceivable that if he loved her, for him not to know much about her. From that time on he made sure he won’t forget to send her flowers or at least to give her a birthday card.

In fact, its always nice to give surprises once in awhile on these special occasions. It doesn’t have to be expensive but again, it’s the thought that counts. You may think of other ways of exciting a relationship because there is no limit to your creativity.

Ted and Christine Segura have been involved in the topic of relationships for several years. They are seriously involved in an organization that helps couples and families in the areas of family life and enhancing relations. They can be contacted at http://www.idealfamilylife.com

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