Direct Answers - Column for the week of June 14, 2004

I am sitting here so unsure of what to do anymore. I’ve never asked anyone for help of this type, as many people come to me for answers. I am a social worker and my husband is a psychologist. We should have the answers, but we just don’t.

We have been married 10 years and have an 8-year-old daughter. The problem as I see it is my husband refuses to help out at home. He will not do anything associated with domestic work. He does not mow the lawn. What he does is work a full-time job, play music in a band on weekends, and play in two sports leagues.

He is very negative, and over the past few years, increasingly critical of me and everything I do or don’t do. I work a full-time job with a private practice on the side. I take care of everything and somehow manage to stay sane. When I bring up the unfairness of our roles, I am always met with, “I don’t want to hear about it. Shut up. Go away. Leave me alone.”

I work my butt off every single day and am so tired. Yes, I get crabby sometimes, but it is because I feel I am living in a hopeless situation. I feel more resentful as the years go by, and my blood pressure was high enough to start medication two years ago.

We are in debt because my husband returned to school seven years ago to get his Ph.D. Divorcing now would probably ruin us both financially. He tells our daughter we will never divorce, yet when an argument starts, he tells me we should get a divorce and end it. I am not one to give in easily, but I don’t feel he loves me. I feel used.

Priscilla

Priscilla, in what book or counseling session did your husband learn to settle arguments by threatening his spouse with divorce? In what class on conflict resolution did he find that little gem? People who are pretty amiable and choose to stay together, usually can. But when one person won’t participate, there is nothing you can do.

Your husband is treating your house like a bed and breakfast–all the amenities of a home without any of the responsibilities. Behavior follows feelings, and his behavior supports your belief that he does not love you.

You don’t give up easily, but you know how this often plays out. When a woman has been doing it all, even if the husband is finally willing to make an effort, it is too late. The wife is already dead emotionally. You already feel used, and there are limits to how much criticism a person can take.

Lay your cards on the table. It’s one thing if he is willing to do the talk, meditation, body work, or whatever it takes to break him loose from where he has been as a person. It is another not to be willing to begin.

You are not one to give in easily, but when sailors drown, it is not because they lack resolve but because they are dealing with forces beyond their control. In finding the limits to what you can do in your own life, you may have learned what you can and cannot do to help others.

Wayne & Tamara

Horse’s Mouth

We’ve been a couple for two years. If all goes well, we will probably marry. Recently she started making remarks like “absence makes the heart grow fonder” and “if things don’t work out, I hope I find someone just like you.” What do you think?

Skip

Skip, the closer you are to someone, the more you can end their sentences. The farther apart you are, the more you say, “Huh, what did you mean by that?” She’s got you saying, “Huh?” Close the distance and ask her what she means.

Tamara

About The Author

Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com.

Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.

Share This

A woman recently asked me how to tell if a man qualifies as Mr. Right. “He says I’m the only one for him,” she announced, “but you know how men are. They all lie.”

But all men do not lie. Sure, I’ve dated a liar or two (one of whom was clearly pathological), but it’s wrong to assume that every human who possesses a Y chromosome is compelled to fib. It’s like saying every woman wants to see multiple zeros on a guy’s W-2 Form before she’ll accept a marriage proposal. It’s just not true.

But if you continually find yourself in relationships with men who fudge the truth, ask yourself if you are somehow justifying the truth-fudging. If you believe in your heart of hearts that all men lie (or cheat, or refuse to clean up after themselves, and so on), you will not only tend to let them get away with it, you’re actually likely to attract that behavior.

Mr. Right is never a liar!

Insist that the men you date be honest. If you find yourself involved with a fellow who falls short of the mark, you have two choices: Avoid further disappointment by breaking it off with him immediately. Or you can tell the Pinnochio, “Look, I don’t lie, and I don’t have time for people who do. If tell me anything less than the truth ever again, we’re finished.”

Then keep your promise.

Remember what Somerset Maugham once said: “It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.”

Terry MacDonald is the happily married author of “How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.” Sign up for free dating tips at http://www.marrysmart.com Check out her blog at http://happygirlmusing.blogspot.com

Share This

Every time a female infidelity is known, is very common that suspicions from her partner arises regarding the paternity of their children.

Even though kids are not babies anymore, the knowledge of a new affair can always be a warning sign of previous unfaithful activities. At the end, if she betrayed your trust and confidence now, easily could have done it before.

When you believe that your spouse or partner could have cheated on you before, paternity concerns start roaming your head, especially if there is no chance of saving your marriage and divorce is on the horizon.

DNA Paternity tests are gaining popularity as they have become available to everybody and their prices are really affordable; however, if you decide that you should perform a Paternit test, there are two kinds of DNA paternity tests to consider, and you should be aware of their use before hiring the service.

The standard DNA paternity test is a cheaper and easier test intended to get results for your own private knowledge, mainly as a first result to go into a deeper research or to reach peace of mind immediately. As this test does not need a qualified sample taking, can be done discretely for your own knowledge.

By the other hand, the legal DNA paternity test is intended to be used in a court of law; therefore a strict methodology has to be followed to take the samples.

To use the legal paternity test, a laboratory member of the AABB Parentage Testing Accreditation Program, has to be used.

This accreditation is based mainly on the standards followed to perform the tests ensuring that the samples are taken properly and giving them the legal background required to be used in court.

A good strategy, if affordable, could be perform a standard DNA paternity test discretely to clear or confirm suspicions, and according to the results obtained, if needed, a legal Paternity test can be done later, if results confirm that you are not the father.

Regarding your Relationship, remember than asking for a DNA paternity test, most of the time, will unleash a war within your marriage, regardless the outcome obtained.

Be fully aware that if you manage to save your marriage and the test confirms that you are the father, she will resent that you did not trust her.
Also, if you decide to end with your marriage, a paternity test will always make the relation more difficult than ever, which is not good for the breake up arrangements.

Remember to use the DNA paternity test for your benefit, not against you in any way, therefore, a very good approach would be perform a standard test for your eyes only and further or legal testing could be done later if things reach that point or the test is really necessary for legal procedures.

Dr. Laurent Mikhail is a communication professional who has helped several couples to understand each other after a cheating problem. You can find further information about cheating in his site http://www.catch-cheating.com

Share This

Most of us have heard the saying “assuming makes an ass (out of) u (and) me.

But did you know that assumptions are considered the lowest form of knowledge?

And yet we ass-u-me we know exactly what our partner wants and needs. We then act accordingly, and are stunned and hurt when we find out we were wrong.

The cure for making assumptions

Did you know that there is a cure for making assumptions? Well, I usually try to make things as simple and useable as possible, without all the psycho-babble junk.

As Albert Einstein said:

“Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.”

But this time I’m going to have to get a little complicated and show off that high priced degree for which I worked so hard. Hold on to your seats, and get pen and paper in hand, because here comes a very complex and sophisticated psychological principle:

The cure for assuming is to (drum roll, please…..) ASK!

That’s right ask.

It really can be that simple.

And away with the silly notion that if you have to ask then it doesn’t mean as much. As speaker and author Mark Victor Hansen (”Chicken Soup for the Soul”) is fond of saying,

“you have to A-S-K to G-E-T.”

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

Share This

Communication is the key to any relationship. With bad communication, problems crop up at unexpected places. This is a classical case. I am feeling very hurt because of what you said. When did I say that? Two days back. But I never meant that. I don’t know what you meant, but it has been hurting me since then. Oh, I am sorry. I genuinely never meant that. Why did you not ask me then and there? I was very hurt to ask. Oh, I am very sorry.

What you say can make a big difference to your relationship. How will the listener know what you mean? The listener only picks up your words and makes interpretation. Choosing right words while communicating is important. If you know about your partner’s sensitivities about a subject, you have to be very careful while talking even in jest. Your tone has to be perfect and you have to be careful while speaking. You never know when you will hurt your partner’s feelings. This communication care is very important if the relationship is already going bad and you wish to save it.

Freedom in communication can be taken if you are sure that your partner understands you well and will not take any talk otherwise. In that case, you both behave like close friends, who speak their mind without bothering. If the relationship has not reached that level you have to be careful while talking. Loose talk can spoil a relationship.

The author C.D. Mohatta writes articles, advice and ideas at http://www.yourromanceguide.com/ on topics like love, dating, marriage, relationships, break-ups, etc. He also writes for screen-savers and desktop wallpapers at http://www.screene.com/ on topics like nature, spirituality, motivation, love-romance, holidays, animals, etc. All the downloads of animated screensavers and desktop wallpapers is free. You can send free ecards on all the topics from http://www.ecarduniverse.com/ - it has free ecards on holidays, birthday, love, friendship, family, expressions, celebrations and all events and occasions.

Share This