Women are always on a quest for “Mr. Right”, like the search for the Holy Grail. There is constant pressure to live a “normal” life - to get married and have children. We have all heard it, “When are you getting married?” “When am I going to eat some cake?” “You’re being too picky.” “Don’t you want to have children?” “Are you homosexual?”

The not-so-subtle suggestion is: “What’s wrong with you?” “Why can’t you be like everyone else?” Everything is geared towards couples and we buy right into that philosophy. Women often do not feel “whole” unless they have a man on their arm. There is the story of a young woman who, when asked why she is not married, replied, “Oh, I’m getting married on the first.” “Wonderful! The first of next month?” she was queried. “No. The first chance I get.” Unfortunately, many women have this mindset and, in their desperation for normalcy, grab the first guy who comes along. Some singles are so preoccupied with marriage that they are unable to concentrate on the opportunities at hand. The quest to be married becomes their one driving pursuit. And, it is no wonder with all of the conditioning women receive to seek to be married.

Many women tend to get excited as soon as they meet a new man who seems to have a few of the qualities they seek. Before you can say “Not another bridesmaid’s dress!” they have rushed headlong into projections of future marital bliss. In their minds, they are already halfway down the aisle and the man they just met is standing at the altar. Ladies, pump your brakes! Take your time and get to know a man’s true qualities before you get all excited. Do not get caught up in charisma and fail to look at a man’s true character.

When we reach a certain age and are still single, people begin to encourage us to “wait”, “trust”, and “have faith”. Yet, we feel cheated that something so important has been withheld from us. While we wait, we should not feel as if we are in some sort of social purgatory, waiting to experience the bliss of marriage. “Your sentence is 5 to 10, with no possibility of parole” We are not serving time or marking time. There is a lot that can be accomplished and experienced as a single person. I have had the opportunity to become involved with various extracurricular activities, spend time with friends and explore my love of travel and of shopping, not to mention write a book or two. I probably would not have done most of this if I had been focused on taking care of a husband and family. I am sure there would have been other activities of value, but probably not those. But, all of that can still come later.

While we need to plan for the future, we should not spend so much time focusing on our future wedded state that we do not take advantage of what the present has to offer. Life is a process, not an event. We should focus on the entire journey, not on one single step. We need to be present in the present and embrace life fully. There is a story floating through the email system that discusses how people put their lives on hold until “after” - “after I buy a house”, “after I get married”, “after I get that promotion”, “after the kids go off to college” We can focus so much on the “after” that we miss the now.

There are definite advantages to being single. As a single person, your evening and weekend schedule might be full of activities, but they are activities of your choosing, not those which you are compelled to participate in for other people. You are not creating problems at home by being out three or four evenings during the week. Your time and your money can be used in whatever manner you choose and no one will question it. So, go ahead and buy those shoes! Learn to play the oboe. Get another degree. Take that clog dancing class. Do whatever it is that you have always wanted to do. Even if it is weird, who will question it? Make a list of the things you want to accomplish in life and get started on them.

This is a good time to focus on giving back to others. Mentor a young person or visit a senior citizen. Sow into the lives of others and you will reap a blessing. When you operate in the mode of giving of yourself to others, you will become more content as you have less and less time to focus on your own wants. Love is an action word - demonstrate it to others in your life.

Being single also teaches you to be more self-reliant. Learn how to put air in your own tires. Learn where the fuse box is. Hang your own blinds. You have to be a good steward over the life that God has already given you before he will bless you with more.

It is a pretty well-kept secret, but often married people envy the single lifestyle. They have to always report in to someone. They have to be accountable for their time and for the family money. I have had a number of married people state to me, “It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Or, “Take your time.”

By definition “Single” is an adjective which means, in part 1)not married 2)unaccompanied by others 3)consisting of a separate, unique whole ” There is a difference between being single and being alone. Marriage is not the only alternative to being single. There is no need to be alone when you can develop friendships that can be like family. For example, I know a group of people who are all transplants to the Chicago area. They all live in suburban Oak Park and spend time together at outdoor movies, picnics and so on. On holidays, they hold their own “family” dinners or cookouts. They have become each others’ surrogate family and think of each other that way. We all need to love and be loved, but that love can come from a variety of sources. You can get the support, encouragement and acceptance you are seeking by spending time with close friends. And, it is good practice for marriage because if you cannot maintain quality friendships, with their challenges, how can you maintain a solid relationship with a person 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Through friendships, we learn to practice the characteristics needed for marriage - communication, patience, sympathy, listening skills, loyalty, caring about another person’s needs, etc. Through friendships we learn to love other people that we were not born related to. All of this helps us to be prepared for the day we say “I do.” Although we generally think we are, we are never totally prepared for the unexpected problems of blending a life with another distinct personality or of the unanticipated pleasures that will also arise.

Some women look at marriage as being some sort of Nirvana. Being married will not solve all your problems or relieve all the pressures of life. It is not a solution to a problem. In fact, it creates issues, conflicts and tensions which must be adjusted to and overcome if the marriage is to be successful. It takes work to keep a marriage together, so while you are still single, rest up for the task ahead and enjoy the simple life. It will never be this simple again. Most children who are in a hurry to grow up so that they can do whatever they want soon find out that having a job, bills and responsibilities is not the fun ride they expected it to be. Likewise, most single people who get married soon find that it is not constant passion and pleasure, but a lot of hard work. There was a woman who was a member of the church where I grew up. Prior to getting married in her late 30’s, she had struggled financially most of her life. She saw her upcoming marriage as an end to all of her struggles. She anticipated no more financial struggles. She was looking forward to having that Lexus she had been dreaming of. She felt that all of her problems were about to be over and stated as much because she was about to be “Mrs. Tom Hutchinson!” Unfortunately, “Tom” was soon laid off his job of many years, they had a baby right away, and soon there was trouble in paradise. The couple was facing significant marital problems.

People often forget that marriage is a partnership based on commitment to each other and a willingness to work together through good and bad times - and there will be bad times. It should be mutually enriching and fulfilling for both parties. When it works as designed, there is an undeniable warmth, camaraderie and “fit” that are obvious to those with whom the couple interacts.

It is true that activities are often geared toward couples. Sometimes, it seems that the entire world is paired off and we are left alone. Though we may be welcomed by others, we feel like a misfit. We are often the only single person at family or work gatherings. Although they mean no harm to us personally, people tend to invite people to participate in activities as couples. For example, I have relatives who liked to have game parties, but the parties are always for couples. I was always invited, along with whomever I was dating. On one occasion, I was very hurt to find out that they had hosted a game party, and had not only not invited me, but had not even let on that it was happening because I did not have a boyfriend at that time. (Talk about kicking a sister when she’s down) I did not think it fair that my inclusion in playing games should be based on my relationship status. But there are times that we will feel left out. So, it is very important to have a strong network of friends with whom we can spend time.

Paul, in I Corinthians 7:25-35 tells us that it is okay to be single. In fact, it has definite advantages. Our time is our own to spend in the manner we see fit. We can spend time developing ourselves and our relationship with God. When opportunities or crises arise, we can adjust our time accordingly without having to be concerned with how it affects our spouse or children.

It is time to realize that the search for Mr. Right begins with us. Whether we are a “Door Mat”, accepting junk rather than waiting for our Adam or a “Door Prize”, waiting for the “perfect man” while passing up good men that are in the process of becoming even better, or anywhere in between, we need to examine ourselves to make sure that the package we are offering to others is first rate. When Mr. Right comes along, he will not be looking for Ms. Wrong and he will pass us up or string us along if that is what he perceives us to be. So, how do we become Ms. Right? If it were simple, this would be a pamphlet instead of a book.

Becoming Ms. Right begins with having a solid foundation. The Bible says that a wise person builds his house upon a rock (Matthew 7:24). If you have the proper foundation yourself and build your relationship on a solid foundation, it will grow strong. It begins with knowing who you are and Whose you are. You cannot cultivate a worthwhile relationship when you are not willing to be all that God intends you to be. And, that begins with having a relationship with the Creator. When you cultivate a relationship with God first, then your concepts of self and love are reflective of Him, and consequently, you will be more prepared for a relationship with someone else.

Talayah G. Stovall is an author, trainer and motivational speaker. For information on her latest book, Crossing the Threshold: Opening Your Door to Successful Relationships, her eBook, 150 Important Questions You Should Ask Before You Say “I Do” and other product offerings, please visit http://www.talayahstovall.com or email talayah@talayahstovall.com.

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